Don’t worry Mr. Prime Minister; I am not writing to ask you to speak. People of India have heard you enough prior to May 2014. Since then, they have heard of you speaking from foreign soil, and that too about them as in “how they were ashamed of themselves prior to your becoming a PM”, etc. Even though you have been unusually quiet the little time that you have been in India, your ministers that you handpicked have more than made up for your silence! Sometimes I suspect if I afflicted them with foot-in-mouth disease. For not a day goes by, that they don’t make an ass of themselves. Then you have to bother your friend Mark and block their utterances. I sit up there and scratch my head. But I digress. Let me first congratulate you on something. Until you came, and barring some clowns, only I (and my various versions) had Bhakts. Yes there were special people of the ilk of Gandhi and some others, but they were my disciples. I don’t make them any more. I must say you are the only modern day earthling to command such blind bhakti. Predictably it was transient. The number and devotion is dipping. What did you expect? It may be Kalyuga and it takes a lot for me to be involved but you guys are testing my patience. Farmers are dying. Poor are getting crushed. Men lynched, women raped. I can only take so much buddy. So I am here to offer you help, and much needed advice. No not of the Amit Shah kind. That hasn’t been working right! Time for a change of strategy. Listen up.
(Note: In all of the below when I say “you”, it could mean you or your deputies. You are my POC. So don’t come back with “It is/was not me personally”. You wanted to be the Prime Minister; now bear the responsibility too! )
1. First and foremost, do away with the saffron brigade. The once upon a time fringe elements of your party have now become a pain in the you know what. They have bullied you enough. Time to show them who the real boss is. Use the anti-sedition law. Use what you have to. But anyone who even utters and identifies my people with their religion, inciting their religious feelings, disrupting communal harmony, must be punished. Let me be clear. So announcing in a temple to gather outside a citizen’s home and lynch him for any reason, I repeat any reason, is a crime. And anyone who instigates this must be punished by the strictest punishment under your country’s law. You got it? Wait a minute, this just came in http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/other-states/muzaffarnagar-riots-accused-sangeet-som-visits-dadri/article7722943.ece
You know what to do. The same goes for the Sakshis and Sadhvis and Yogis of your party.
2. Once you have all the fringe and fanatical elements of your party under control and set an example by taking strict action against them, things will start falling in place. Rationalists will stop getting killed. Incidents like Dadri lynching, Muzaffarnagar riots etc. will stop. Ask what is in it for you. Go ahead, ask. You understand business right. Stable situation at home will be good for – you got it! Business! And you can actually follow through your ‘development’ agenda. No I don’t mean Adani’s development silly! That has been working quite well thank you. I mean India’s development! Don’t tell me you forgot that! Let me remind you. Your job was lifting the bottom most rung of your country. “Sabka saath sabka vikas” as in inclusive development was the catchiest phrase of your campaign that went straight to heart. Time to put the “chunavi jumla” into action.
3. Fire all your illiterate and criminally tainted ministers. Please don’t give your example or chai-walla emotional story. You are the democratically elected Prime Minister of the country. And there is nothing anyone can do about it for now. Ok I can but I am in no mood yet to use my divine powers. Don’t make me! For now you are the PM and that is that. Your ministers however are chosen by you and if you seriously think a riot accused, a corrupt MP or that moron you call culture minister are qualified candidates to be ministers, you are in big trouble my friend. Remember you are no longer a pracharak. You now hob nob with top leaders of the free world. Surely you wouldn’t want your new friends Mark Zuckerberg, and Sundar Pichai or all the top CEOs you have been courting, to know the company you keep! That would be mortifying wouldn’t it! And what happens when your friend Barack visits again. No, the suit won’t cut it this time. Again, the logic of “Congress had corrupt ministers” will only backfire, as remember you fought and won on an anti-incumbency wave, as a replacement of Congress! To fix all that was wrong with and in Congress rule. People are already saying even corrupt Congress was better. You want to nip that thought in the bud!
4. Employ competent and qualified people to do their job. They will start implementing your election promises, be it developing infrastructure, farmer and poor friendly schemes, constructing and fixing roads instead of changing their names, so on and so forth. This will not only get your approval rating up for real, so you won’t have to forge, concoct and spend your poor country’s money on your PR and marketing. But it will also free up your time so you can do what you enjoy best – visiting foreign countries (by the way congrats on being the PM visiting the most number of countries in a year, beating even your friend Barack, and am sure making some record). Also you will be more accessible to public which you can now face proudly expanding your famed chest, as you will be actually, for real, bringing achhe din to them! (As a bonus you will get rid of those annoying achhe din memes – isn’t your media team sick of them by now)!
5. Number 4 holds especially true for the environment ministry. The fools that you have there today, mistakenly think the environment ministry is for use (and abuse) of environment, not for saving it! So you look like a walking oxymoron when you go to attend a climate conference. And who’s brilliant idea was to go after Greenpeace. They were doing your job you fool – cleaning your house! For free! Not to mention the amount of bad publicity you have got because of that. And petition after petition that I am drowning under! Fix it, now.
6. You do not have to resort to any anti-national evil tactics of getting riots or other petty stuff done to win State elections and even the National when your term is up. Things that worked in Gujarat will not work today. Those were the pre-internet days. Still it took you twelve years to refurbish your image and even then 70% of voters did not buy it. Imagine what will happen in this day and age if you were to pull something like that now. Be the modern day Valmiki and rewrite a new Ramayana. Yes yes I know Valmiki was a dacoit turned Saint, you … But you get the point.
7. Don’t fix what ain’t broken! Last time I checked it was the 21st century. Even I have updated myself. Why do your guys keep reminding me of Vimanas, flying chariots, Mahabharata era TV and what not! Trust me I was there. It was none of this nonsense. Your job was to hurl the country forward not push it backward in time! And what with all the nonsense of changing school textbooks and curriculum! Instead of changing history – create your own. You will then not have to rely on any of the historical figures – be it that Gandhi fellow your party loves to hate, or Jai Prakash Narayan or any others you like to recycle. People get bored of listening to same old same old. The speeches, however effective once, get jaded eventually. And why are you changing heads of all the cultural and scientific institutions. Replacing them with your party members. Why? First, you are again pushing the country backward by putting dumb fools in charge of important bodies. Second and more importantly you are digging your own grave. You think Congress will not point to it when you use words like “dynasty” and “nepotism” against them in next elections! Revert everything. Right now!
8. Instead of building a 2500 cr. Statue for Sardar Patel, show the utmost respect for the Lauh-purush by becoming the Iron Man yourself. He had the guts to ban RSS – do you? Use the money to save the farmers. Trust me their blessings will improve your karma for next 10 lives according to Hindu principles of reincarnation and Karma. You can proudly use this to shut the Hindutva lobby.
9. Be the entire country’s leader, not just your party’s and some states. Keep reminding yourself Gujarat is not India. Again the same no-brainer thing. If you do your job, you don’t have to rely on hanky-panky things to win. E.g. if you had hitherto been helping people of Bihar (last I checked it was part of India), you wouldn’t have to at the last minute dole out a ton of money, call on a riot expert, rush out there instead of visiting one more foreign country. And say so what if Nitish won this time. You can make his life hell being in center just like you did that poor fellow Kejriwal’s. Man I pity him. He must be cursing his stars the day he decided to run under your raj! But why do these things Parth. Remember the rule of karma – it will come to bite you eventually. Instead if you helped flourish these states with non-BJP governments, it is a win-win for you. Ask how. It is simple – they do all the work and you take the credit. Duh! If they don’t work, they get thrown out next time and you win anyways!
9. If you were to actually do your job, you will not have to rely on gimmicks like swachha bharata, selfie with daughter etc. You must have realized by now, sooner or later they get caught. Public is getting smarter despite your ministers’ attempts to keep them stupid. Don’t even think to censor the Internet. You know where the last attempt went. Even your friend Mark won’t be able to help. Then there is the nasty foreign press.
10. In summary just do your job. “Phal ki chinta kar isliye karm kar”. Yes, in keeping with the times, I have changed my mantra. (Stay tuned for full Gita 2.0. And you better reign in that old fool Dinanath Batra. If he even goes after it I will unleash my Sudarshan Chakra)! Believe me time flies. One year is already up. Don’t wait too long. Start working right now. And results will pay off. Just like the tech companies you just visited in Silicon Valley – do your job and see where it takes you. No gimmicks, no lies, no criminal activity needed.
If you do these things fair and square, “actually” benefiting India and its people, I promise you vats, I will come and personally vote for you. I will forget 2002, 2014 and give you a clean chit. A real clean chit. Not the fake one that your deputies arranged for you last time. And if I, the righteous Krishna, your and your party’s antithesis, a die hard liberal, can turn around, trust me, all these so called liberals, pseudo seculars, siculars, whatever your bhakts call them these days, will fall in-line. Once they vote for you they will shut the hell up and stop littering social media against you. They are the troublemakers that your entire online army is unable to tame. Anything is worth buying their silence, don’t you think!
To help you implement all of the above, I can be available full time at your disposal! What can I say I like you (not to mention all the food and your earthly luxuries!). So I offer you myself! I am way more qualified, so no one can point fingers at you any more. I have no criminal cases, no dynastic affiliations. I am a vegetarian, non-beef-eating secular Hindu. All the right buzzwords for today’s India. So, you will kill several birds with one me. And I am way more handsome than your current ministers. I will be the Shashi Tharoor of your government. But without a Sunanda Pushkar. Lol. (Told you I updated myself – I know all the icons and slangs.)
Let me be the sarathi of your chariot and lead you to the path of righteousness oh Narendra Bhai Arjuna. (Yes time to reinvent a new acronym for your name. NaMo/Modi has way too many negative connotations and baggage, And no this time no new monogrammed suit. I insist. Please trust me on this).
Let me (not) be an Amit Shah to your Modi.
Don’t be like that fool Duryodhana and rely on your (online) sena and warriors. You know where that got him! Choose me.
Together we shall rule over a glorious Hindustan. Without turning it into Hindu-stan. Amen. Oops I mean Tathastu. (sorry I have identity crisis at times).
-Yours truly Shri Krishna (ver 2.0)