Jhande Mataram: a must-read satire on the ongoing sanghi drama on JNU

Anand Mazgaonkar

Anand is a senior activist with the Paryavaran Suraksha Samiti (PSS) and National Alliance of Peoples’ Movements (NAPM) in Gujarat.

He can be contacted at anandpss@gmail.com

Poor Prime Minister Modi! He finds himself in the most pitiable place today. How fortunes swing. When he entered the precincts of India’s Parliament after bowing, kissing the steps and all that he must have thought he is in the most powerful position in the country. Now, people just don’t let him be. They don’t let him wear that Rs. 10 lakh suit, Aisi Taisi Democracy people call him juicer par excellence, his own people call his Government Congress + cow, they lampoon him for his all his foreign visits. Poor man’s not made single foreign visit all of last week. But staying at home gives such headaches.

He’d like to fancy himself as leading a strong Government but he’s been reduced to the same silence that Manmohan Singh instinctively observed. When he deputes Mr Rajnath Singh to stand-in for him, Mr Singh cannot manage to get his foot out of his mouth. Mr Modi would rather wish that it is better that his Government’s case is lost by default rather than letting Rajnath Singh sink their boat!

As if all this was not enough his friends such as Adanis, Ambanis, Mallyas, Ruias and sundry others refuse to repay Bank loans even if that means Banks will sink and there’ll be egg all over Mr Modi’s face.

His agony does not end there. Now his foot soldiers – the same army that must have helped them with the Babri demolition, Gujarat 2002 and 2014 elections – are demanding their pound of flesh. They don’t understand they must leave their barracks only when commanded by the High Command. Poor foot soldiers are torn between their khaki-shorts-training and High Command’s expediency. Barely had the Brigadiers such as Sakshi Maharaj, Yogi Adityanath, Sadhvi Niranjan Jyoti, Giriraj Kishor had been bottled that the foot soldiers have demanded a taste of the sweet smell of power. The small problem with the foot soldiers starting to believe that they own the country and lay down the law of the land is that there is a big dispute in the offing. The right to own the country, determine its policy and formulate laws was handed over to the Ambanis long back.

Like good corporates who diversify their businesses – for instance we have cigarette manufacturing companies diversifying into the biscuit and hotel / hospitality business, so also these lawyers (in their spare time, of which they seem to have lots) from defending hoodlums branched out to plying that trade themselves. They have every right to do so. After all the mafia used to give support to politicians. After a while they realised it would help if they became politicians themselves. Just as the underworld initially financed Hindi films made by other Producers with their ill-gotten wealth. Then they decided to produce films themselves. That way they’re only cutting out the middleman which in the end benfits consumers.

But this army of lawyers, lumpens, flag-wavers are not only ‘nationalists’ who live and die for the country, they also talk and educate with fisticuffs, stones and the like. Unfortunately some of them don’t yet have access to guns. e.g., they’ve taught the country in the last few days that a few students shouting slogans in some corner of some University can shake the foundations of the nation and it must be protected by vigilante armies. Hope nobody charges them with divulging State secrets! They seem privy to inside information that their masters have turned us into a Banana Republic. Therefore their worry that slogans can destroy our nation is entirely well founded.

And they’re all working so hard to turn us into a Banana Republic.Kudos to them. Here’s the complete syllabus:

i) first the party seems to have unanimously decided to be stupid and look stupid too
ii) then they put the whole might of the State to chase and jail slogan shouting students.
iii) to make their case foolproof and convincing they pass around doctored video clips as evidence
iv) a whole army of Bhaktas of Modiland gets hysterical about the doctored evidence
v) the most burning problem for them is slogans. Farmers’ suicide is of course a fashion. So, farmers who commit suicides are doing some kind of ramp walk like Sunny Leone and Malaika Arora Khan! So says Mumbai BJP MP, Gopal Shetty.
v) lumpens get congratulated and garlanded for their hooliganism
vi) Police Commissioner Bassi of course has a bright future ahead of him despite his retirement
vii) The flag-wavers, nationalists, new-found lovers of the Motherland have a bunch of icons with a glorious track record. The Jaitleys and Jethmalanis and their clients are part of Court folklore. They’ve defended all manner of murderers, fraudsters, tax-evaders, havala racketeers. So, a little bit of flag-waving is entirely in order for their army.

There cannot be stronger, more authentic Banana Republic!

Yet, the most heroic performance is that of ‘party spokespersons’. They sweat, fret, beat-around-the-bush, filibuster, spin-doctor. In short everything except address the issue at hand. But poor ‘nationalist’ spokespersons have been sweating profusely in air-conditioned studios. Hope they maintain sufficient fluid intake post-TV interviews. The other thing that might benefit them is hair replacement therapy for their stress-induced balding heads, I heard the hair replacement in Sydney is world class.

But they are a really interesting lot. One wonders about the kind of practice and preparation they undertake. Sportspersons and musicians’ practice involves repetitive rehearsals. So, what do party spokespersons do for practice. Lie even off-camera? Do they lie even when they are alone? Do they lie in their sleep? What kind of dreams do they get in their sleep? What happens if a sudden a pang of conscience bothers them. Are they equipped to emotionally deal with such a challenge. May we all wish them the best of health and all our prayers be with party spokespersons!


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